Shift Your Communication

Without question, communication is one of the biggest challenges couples face in the marriage relationship. Many years ago, Dr. John Gray, wrote the best-selling book Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus. It’s true, men and women speak two completely different languages and these two languages can be very difficult to understand. 

Why Do Men And Women Have Trouble Communicating?

From a woman’s perspective, men are hard to figure out and from a man’s perspective, women are hard to figure out. The reason for this is because God made man and woman completely different. Therefore, we see and feel things from two different points of view.  Men speak from the HEAD and Women speak from the HEART. 

Unfortunately, rather than allowing our differences to complement each other, we often allow our differences to conflict with each other.

Most of us learned how to communicate with our spouse by watching and listening to our own parents to communicate with each other. Their example was either helpful or hurtful, positive or negative. To make matters worse, our culture provides all the sarcasm, dysfunction and poor examples of communication you can imagine. With all the devices at our fingertips, everyone communicates but few people connect, especially in our marriages.  I think we can be safe in saying when it comes to how we communicate in our relationships, normal isn’t working. 

Romans 12:2 (NLT) Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

What is God’s good and pleasing and perfect will when it comes to communication? The apostle James says it best.

James 1:19-20 (NLT) You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.

 The 4 BE’s of Communication

Simple and actionable steps to improve communication with your spouse

1. BE WISE

Proverbs 4:7 (NLT) Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do! And whatever else you do, develop good judgment. (understanding)

How do you get wisdom?  We ask God through prayer to give it to us.

James 1:5 (NLT) If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.

If we’re going to have wisdom when it comes connecting with our spouse, we need to be filled with the spirit of God every day so that we can have the wisdom to know and understand what our spouse is needing and feeling. Why is this important?  So we can speak words of life and help meet needs in their life that God wants to meet through us. 

Ephesians 4:29 (NLT) Let everything you say be good and helpful so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

Otherwise, we will speak before we think and get ourselves into all kinds of trouble. 

Ecclesiastes 8:6 (GN) There is a right time and right way to do everything…

Proverbs 16:23 (GN) Intelligent people think before they speak.  

2. BE AVAILABLE

The best way to spell love is still spelled TIME. When we make ourselves available to our spouse, we are saying you have top priority in my life. Nothing is more important than my relationship with you. 

Philippians 2:4 (NLT) Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

These are the hobbies you share together, date nights, evening walks or whatever times of “togetherness” allow for opportunities to connect and enter into each other’s world. Connection always begins with a commitment to someone else.

3. BE HONEST

I heard someone define Intimacy as “In-to-me-you-see.” It’s important to maintain and protect high levels of trust in our marriages. One of the ways we accomplish this is through honesty and transparency. This allows you to enter each other's world to let each other know what you’re thinking & feeling & ultimately what you’re wanting & needing from each other. Tone, timing and, tactfulness can make this helpful or hurtful.

Ephesians. 4:15 (NIV) (Speak) the truth in love… 

4. BE FORGIVING

In order to keep the lines of communication open with each other at all times, we have to be committed to keeping no record of wrongs. When we fall short of each other expectations, or when we say things or do things that cause hurt and disappointment, it’s vital that we act quickly to mend any wounds. Why is this so important? Because wounds only get worse over time. People often say, “time heals all wounds.” However, it’s a lie. It’s not true! Wounds can get infected and get worse and even spread into other areas in the family. When you’re sick, you don’t go to the doctor's office to sit in the waiting room. You go to the doctor to get a diagnosis and to get medical help. Two powerful verses of scripture that the apostle Paul teaches us are great reminders to offering forgiveness in our marriage relationships.

Ephesians 4:31-32 (NLT) Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of malicious behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Ephesians 4:26 (NLT) Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath.

Have you attempted to dial a number and you hear that familiar noise on the other end that says, “We’re sorry, the number you’re trying to reach has either disconnected or is no longer in service!” 

Perhaps that is where your marriage is right now. You’re either disconnected or no longer in service. You need wisdom, connecting is a choice…Everyone communicates but few connect! How do you connect? Through wisdom, availability, honesty, and forgiveness.